Documentary Film Review Part VII

Turns out I'm terrible at keeping a blog. I am not, however, terrible at watching plenty of documentaries. I've kept some records so I can review them for you... That was nice of me.

Crazy Love- I was just recalling this movie, so I will start with it. This movie is about a crazy man throwing acid (okay, paying someone else to throw acid) on a woman because he can't have her (or he's a pathetic, mentally unwell man-child... one of those things). Then he gets out of jail and they get married. True story. That's how you get girls. It's a bad story but a good movie. Watch it.

Unhung Hero- This is a terrible movie, I knew that would be true... but I watched it anyway so I could announce to people that I have seen FOUR documentaries about small penises. FOUR. I want to speculate in so many ways right now so bear with me. Does having a small penis make one want to make documentaries? Is this a cry for help? Why are men so obsessed with their junk? Why am I so obsessed with their junk that I've watched FOUR documentaries about the slightest among them? Are the more diminutive penises just begging for airtime in a world of unrealistic porn? Are there documentaries about giant labia out there? Okay... yes there kinda is. 

The Imposter- I loved this one. There's so many interesting facets of human nature played out with lying and denial. It's just a good movie, well made with interesting people and a great (tragic) story. Watch it!

The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled- This movie is terrible. It's done by the same guy that did Super High Me, which if you recall I have twice reviewed as terrible. I have concluded that he's just bad at making movies. Don't bother watching it.

Mansome- This is a Morgan Spurlock joint. I enjoyed it, it's pretty light watching if you have a free afternoon. It's about man-stuff, but I mostly just remember enjoying the part about beards. Watch it!

The Secret- Hahaha...okay, I didn't actually watch most of The Secret. They do refer to this as a "documentary" though, so that tickled me a bit. They also claim they've interviewed all sorts of experts for this... oh, it's just a riot. For those unfamiliar "the secret" is that you can think hard (like super duper hard) and get whatever you want. 

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures- This is a charming little film where a guy interviews his ex-girlfriends to figure out where he went wrong. He's a complete tool so spending a couple hours with him is a bit grinding... but really that's adds to it. I like it. You should watch it.

(a)sexual- Is annoying a sexuality? Hmm.

Becoming Santa- What is a documentary film junkie to watch around the holidays? Don't worry, there's a movie for that! The holidays will be here before we know it and maybe I will watch these lovely film again. But I guess if you're not like me you might want to watch Elf* or some shit. 

James Elroy's Feast of Death- I didn't really know who James Elroy was when I watched this and I still really enjoyed it, which says quite a bit. James Elroy is a total asshole who wrote LA Confidential. Normally I wouldn't recommend watching movies about someone so dislike-able, but hell give this one a watch.

An Unreal Dream: The Michael Morton Story- This one is right up my alley. It's about one of the guys freed by the Innocence Project after he was wrongly convicted of murdering his wife and kid. These stories fascinate me and this was a well made one with a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling. Watch it. 

That's all folks.

*I love Elf. I ain't gonna lie.

Blaauuugh.

Haven't updated lately, haven't moved or taken a road trip. Beulah's still an axe murder and Hannah's still an anarchist... or maybe the other way around.

I've watched plenty of documentaries lately, but I've been keeping poor documentation. Though I do vividly remember watching The Cannibal that Walked Free and you can too.

I also watched a terrible documentary about that guy who ate the other guy because he wanted it. I was completely grossed out.

Note to self: stop watching documentaries involving cannibalism.

I took this picture at some point:

I feel I've gotten to know my new adopted city well enough that I can now be offering up free tours.

TOURS OF HAVERHILL OFFERED ON FRIDAYS! COME ENJOY THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE QUEEN SLIPPER CITY!

River Street Terror

I don't know if you've heard, but crime is up here in the Queen Slipper City.

I've done a few crime scene investigations (rubber necking) and started a neighborhood watch.



 And by that I mean I've started watching my neighbors closely and trying to decide what constitutes "tattooed". Mostly they just yell at their kids for swearing or not wearing their bicycle helmets (and as an aside I think I live across from the "cool house", you know where EVERY kid within a 4 mile radius hangs out because the parents are lax).

Seriously, I have learned that dad's script.

"GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!"
"...why?!"
"You're not wearing your helmet! And you didn't even ask if you could be on that bike!"

"What did you just call her?!"
"She's a stupid WHORE!"
"GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

What was I talking about?... Oh yeah. Crime, right here in Haverhill-city. Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "D" and that stands for "drugs". Yes, I know the police don't have the bad guys yet so they aren't saying the motive, but I'mma take a leap here.

Although the last murder 'round these parts was a murder/suicide husband/wife deal.  You know, marriage could be one of the leading causes of murder.

Could someone go work some statistics for me and make that happen? Thanks.

Now this could be odd to state under the pretense of this post, but I love this city. It has all the charm and strange architectural excess of the 1880s, a castle, farms and it's "small" enough that the news paper still reads like a local gossip rag, yet still has the feel of a working class city and even a good coffee shop, farmers market and brewery. 

Haverhill, we were made for each other, I feel you really GET me.

The State of the East Coast Address.

Fellow East Coasters, I have seen our highways, roads, scenic byways, cities, towns and villages and I bring to you this message....

COWS: Farmers are not evil monsters who want to feed you crap. I saw PLENTY of delicious looking grass fed beef in EVERY state I went to. You want cows to live in beautiful pastures eating what cows are supposed to eat before they become your steak and farmers want to provide it. We can do this man... two step process. PAY MORE FOR YOUR MEAT AND EAT LESS OF IT.

ORLANDO: I have seen the dark side. Orlando is a concrete jungle that was once open space. Until 1971 when a vacation resort opened. I have never seen so many strip malls selling junk in my entire life. 

ALLIGATORS: Are awesome and my friends.

GAS: In NJ you cannot pump your own gas. I asked the gas station attendants why and they weren't sure. Jobs maybe? None the less, gas makes road tripping not cheap, but if you own an efficient car it won't kill you and there's a lot to be said for the highway system that allows us to travel so easily around this country. This is a HUGE damn country.

PEOPLE: I've driven through 14 states (and all of the original 13 colonies, though not NH on this trip, but c'mon I live on the border) and can happily tell you that no matter where you go people are individuals and not stereotypes. I was treated politely by dozens of strangers and had great conversations with a few. Never once did anyone in my travels say anything disparaging about a woman traveling alone.  Although I had to explain to the folks at Orlando Hyundai a few times that I am in fact in town FROM Boston, not that I had moved from Boston.  I saw only one Mass plate after Virginia. I was rare fruit.

HYUNDAI: My Accent is a magical dream machine that takes me where I want to go and does not ask many questions. I love you, Little Accent, I promise I'll change your oil and take you to the car doctors more often. Your hatchback makes me so happy.

SKYLINE DRIVE: Driving Skyline drive through Shenandoah early in the morning needs to be on your life checklist. The views are amazing. The road is peaceful and beautiful. And it's basically a DEER SAFARI!

The most beautiful state though? My apologies to all the rest, but...

NORTH CAROLINA: Or as I like to call it "the Motherland". The Blue Ridge Mountains are as close to heaven as I'm ever going to get, and the BBQ in NC is a far cut above the rest. The only decent cup of coffee I found below the Mason-Dixon was in Asheville, NC and coffee makes everything more beautiful. Asheville in general is just a nice, relaxed, liberal community set within the most awe inspiring mountain range.

PARKS AND CAMPING: State and National parks are the coolest. We can just drive on in somewhere, pitch a tent and spend the night.  It gave me a chance to see the wildlife of the state I was in and rise with the sun to get more of my day in. However there are downsides, camping is not particularly social despite being around many people, and I did not always sleep well while camping and I recommend taking a break and staying a hotel or hostel to get a good nights rest while road tripping.

HOSTELING: Hostels are great places for like-minded travelers to gather.  I stayed at Bon Paul and Sharky's in West Asheville, NC and it was simply lovely.  The people there were kind and jovial and the accommodations were clean and nice.  They even had a hot tub! Which I took full advantage of. On future road trips I think I will stay in more hostels. 

THE RADIO: One of my favorite thing to do on a road trip is browse the local radio stations. It gives you a great idea of the demographics of the area without even leaving your car. Also, I found this fucking kick ass blues hour playing on a jazz station in the NY/NJ area. It made for one pleasant hour of driving, they were playing all my blues favs. I also got to listen to some crazy fucking Pentecostal radio show in PA. They were literally having a deep discussion on speaking in tongues, you couldn't make this shit up.

Stay tuned for the second half of the state of the East Coast!

I've breathed the mountain air, man.

Road trip complete!

I drove... 3,463.4 miles
Through... 14 states plus D.C.
Got gas... 14 times

Saw...
23 deer
4 alligators
3 turkeys
2 anoles
2 ospreys
2 black bears
1 pheasant
1 beetle the size of a house
1 hobo cat
and countless other little critters and probably 10,000 cows

Watched...
5 sunsets
3 sunrises
and not ONE minute of TV

Ate BBQ in...
3 states and North Carolina wins by a long shot.

Slept in...
3 campgrounds (2 state parks and one national park)
1 hostel
1 hotel
1 Aunt's house

For a total of...
9 nights

Sent...
20+ postcards (didn't really keep track, but lots!)

Drove on countless roads through endless cities and towns.

Spoke with dozens of strangers, got in zero knife fights and was only conned out of part of my fortune.

Stay tuned for my "State of the East Coast" address in the coming days.

Florida is not Iran, and other bad comparisons.

If you've stood anywhere near me lately you've probably periodically heard me say "ROOOOAAADD TRIPPP!" and do a little dance.  After awhile you may have even figured out that means I'm taking a road trip down the east coast by my lonesome.

There's a 50% you tried to warn me that I am a helpless woman and should probably stick to driving to the super market and back*, lest I get rape/murdered/lost/fall off a mountain/mountain lioned/into a knife fight/conned out of my fortune/"saved"/my car just collapses in a heap and YES, I've seen Deliverance, thank you.

Where am I planning on going?  Glad you asked.  Here's a map so you can keep track of me!


View Larger Map

If you want a post card for your fridge make sure I have your address!


*minor exaggeration.

Hannah is an axe murderer.

There's a park near my house with a statue paying homage to Hannah Duston.

Here's a colorful version of Hannah's story.  In short, she was captured by Native Americans in 1697 and tomahawked her way out of that shit.  She is the first woman in the U.S. honored with a statue.  (... go ladies?) In 1897 the statue pictured above was erected in Haverhill, Hannah's home town.

I bought a point and shoot camera recently.  My new pocket-pal.  Now I can easily walk around Haverhill documenting the things I see.  You know, like my feet and Uncle Eddie's Needful Things.

I went on a castle visit.  No wizards present.

Looked at some of the pretty houses in my neighborhood.  (Seriously, these are within blocks of my apartment. Haverhill is a nice place. Don't believe that shit you hear.)

And here's some pretty flowers from the trees at the park, just to round out this tour.

So what did we learn today, kids?

That's right.  Haverhill is fancy.