...Yeah, but WHY?

Settled in 1640 Haverhill, MA is a great historical town along the Merrimack River.  Decisions had to be made as to where I would live.  So decide I did.  My criteria was pretty simple; I needed somewhere not too far from NH, still on the commuter rail, and cheap.

I needed a place to live.  It's right there on the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, shelter.  I know I had safe temporary housing, but I needed a spot to really call "home".

Also, Lovey HATES dogs and kept threatening to run away if we didn't move away from these uncivilized beasts ASAP.  One time I swear I saw her putting anti-freeze into the dog bowls, but when I asked her about it she denied it and who wouldn't believe this face?

My move was SO smooth, like Shaft, due to the fine upstanding citizens of this earth who showed up to help. Here's a group shot we posed for:

Frankly, I mostly moved to Haverhill because there's a muthafuckin' castle! 

...Okay, I visited the "castle" and calling that a castle is little like declaring your pillow fort is Fort Bragg. But none the less it's a pile of rocks formed into a castle-like building.

So, stay tuned loyal readers as I get to know the city of Haverhill (population 60,879) and wow you with all it has to offer.  I declare this a year in Haverhill.  Maybe I'll write a book...

101 Reasons Why YOU Should Help ME Move.

If you're part of my inner circle you probably know I'm moving soon.  If you're not part of my inner circle, I still have no problem with you showing up on moving day.

The date is set!  March 31st.  It's a Saturday for most people's convenience.

You're probably going to need a small amount of persuasion to show up and lift heavy shit for me.  Most likely only a little bit though, who the hell wouldn't want to do something nice for ME?

So, let me lay out some great reasons to help me move:

1. I will be in your debt to help YOU move someday.
2. I will openly compliment your amazing strength and sexy musculature while you lift my shit.
3. I will make you sweet tea.
4. I AM sweet tea.
5. I am NOT a hoarder, and hell, will probably give you some of my shit if you ask.
6. I will let you go through my shit to satisfy your curiosity about what sort of knickknacks I have.
7. I own very little furniture.
8. My cats are totally cute.  You could pet one or both of them once they are moved in.
9. You can drive a small moving truck... dear god... please someone else drive the truck.
10. You can make fun of what a shitty driver I am while impressing me by driving the truck.
11. For stalking purposes you will know where I live.  You can threaten me later.
12. I will order pizza.
13. I am a helpless woman.
14. I will de-friend you on facebook if you DON'T help me move.
15. It can be your ONE good deed for the year.
16. We can make kick ass memories together of that time you helped me move and (FILL IN THE BLANK).
17. I take nice photos.  I will take a nice photo of you and hang it up on my wall under the banner "Awesome People Who Helped Me Move."
18. You can use me as a job reference.
19. I will compliment your work ethic.
20." I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
Maya Angelou" Maya Angelou is never wrong.

21. Great workout... I mean... you've put on a few pounds lately, right?

22. You're curious if anyone else will show up to help me move, or as you suspect, you are my only friend.

23. There will be beer. 

24. I'm begging.

25. You probably ARE my only friend, and what the hell is going to happen if even YOU don't show up?

26. You want to make sure I'm actually GONE.

27. You like me.

28. I'm a nice person who does good things for other people.

29. Being a nurse can be a thankless profession.  Here's your chance to thank me.

30. You want to prove yourself to one of my other friends as my ultimate friend.

31. You're really into feng shui and want to impress me with your knowledge.

32. I give good back rubs.

33. Pay it forward.

34. What the hell else do you have to do?

35. It's really only a few boxes.  I moved most of it in my tiny Accent in 5 trips.

36. I've probably bought you dinner or a beer before and probably will in the future.

37. You can use the "I helped my friend move this weekend" excuse to be tired at work the next day.

38. I know all (or at least most) of the words to Baby Got Back and will sing it for you/at you.

39. I might have nice neighbors you'd like to meet.  You never know.
40. You'll want to establish that "we're the kind of friends who just open each others' refrigerators and take what we want" early on at my new apartment.
41. I care deeply about your opinion on interior decorating.  Here's your chance to have a say.
42. Moving boxes will give you killer triceps.  I mean, EVEN more killer than you already have, Sexy.
43. I will call you "Sexy" all day long.
44. You could really use an ego boost.
45. I come from a small family, my parents are unable to help move heavy shit and my brother lives in VT.
46. Pity.
47. We can play a rousing game of "guess what's in this box!"
48. You can snoop my movie collection.  There's some seriously racy shit in there.  It will make you blush.
49. I'll tell you how cute you are when you blush.
50. You want to prove that women can lift heavy shit too or, alternatively, prove your manliness to me.
51. You just want me to shut up, and if moving a fucking box will make me shut up, THEN FINE!
52. You want to test my patience by moving one box an hour and spending the rest of the time sippin' sweet tea.
53. I am amazingly patient.
54. You're hoping some of my good looking single friends might show up.
55. You haven't left the house in six weeks anyway.  Here's your chance! I'm inviting you to something.
56. I'll leave you some great comments on your facebook wall specified to your liking.
57. You're super busy, but what's one more thing?
58. You're a masochist.
59. It's not a big deal.  Why wouldn't you help a friend move?
60. You want a place to crash in the Merrimack Valley.
61. Bribery.
62. You want to test my knowledge of physics or geometry or something.
63. I will wax poetic about what a great friend you are.
64. You actually ARE a great friend.
65. We can sit down and watch COPS afterwards.
66. The American Heart Association recommends AT LEAST 30 mins per day of physical activity.
67. I can't afford professional movers.
68. I'm great at making lists.
69. <-- *wink*
70. I'll remember your birthday.
71. I do "safe lifting" training yearly and will help you use proper body mechanics to lift things.
72. I don't have telekinesis.
73. You do have telekinesis.  Prove it.
74. I'll let you pick the moving music.
75. You need my address to send suspicious powders.
76. You're hoping my new place is haunted and we can have a seance.
77. You will never see my apartment that clean again.
78. You want to hold it over my head how you helped me move once... forever.
79. You want to be referred to as the kind of person who would "give you the shirt off his/her back."
80. I need your help.
81. It's a team building activity.
82. Community service.
83. It's not like I move often.
84. You're hoping to get a key.
85. Physical activity will help chase your winter blues away.
86. You're awesome.
87. I know one too many of your secrets to risk pissing me off.
88. Work those quads.
89. Years of friendship-investment I've put into you.
90. If I ever send X-mas cards I'll totally put you on my list.
91. I think I remember you already agreeing to help me. You can't go back on your word.
92. Because your daddy taught you good.
93. I'm reaching.
94. I will teach you how to build a campfire.
95. I'm damn entertaining.  You will just enjoy being around me during the move.
96. The more people show up the faster the whole thing will go.
97. Your indecisiveness is unbecoming of you.  Just DECIDE to help me move.
98. Boxes.
99. My new apartment has a creepy attic.  You will want to see it.
100. Once it's all moved in we can all engage in a group hug.
101. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE!!!

And today's medical procedure was...

I got my pap smear done today.  Is it wrong that I find ANYTHING a person asks me while actually preforming the pap hilarious?

It's my inner 12 year old.  And I always think of witty retorts a minute too late.

I know, I know... I should shut up and slap up some Hall and Oates.  That's all you come here for now.

Documentary Film Review Part VI

I'm at it again.  Here's some documentaries I've watched over the past few months and my thoughts on them.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams- Bring a tissue.  No, not because this is a SAD movie, but because you're going to have to continually wipe Werner Herzog's pre-cum off your screen.  I hate Werner Herzog.  I admit, at this point the hatred has just become irrational. Why did I even TRY and watch this? What is this movie even about? I can't get his voice out of my head! AHHHH!

Emmanuel's Gift- The plight of person's with disabilities in Ghana, West Africa is heart breaking.  I'm a total sap, so I enjoyed this fairly uplifting story about a disabled man who fought hard to work with the hand he was dealt in life.  You're a sap too, just go ahead and watch it.

Alive! Is Michael Jackson Really Dead?- This isn't so much a documentary as it is a really long VLOG of a woman in front of a bookshelf. Who gave this woman a video camera? She's not even past DENIAL in the stages of grief and no one stopped her from making a movie?  She quotes the Weekly World News as a source.  I mean, c'mon, even I've moved on to depression when it comes to the death of Michael.  Sure, I can't think about it without breaking down into tears... but I'm not grasping at straws hoping it didn't happen.  (Although, what I WANT to say is... "this is a fully factual film and Michael walks among us.") I'm not even sure why I watched this.

Waiting for Superman- I am FULLY ready to riot in the streets about the state of education in this country. Continually allowing children to fail and fall through the cracks in one of the wealthiest nations in the world makes my blood boil.  We are setting up children to FAIL and giving them no other options, meanwhile we continue to spend like crazy on building more jails and allow states to debate whether or not they should teach SCIENCE in schools or fucking mumbo-jumbo.  How can we not do better than this? Watch this film.

The One Percent- Years before Occupy Jamie Johnson was talking about the one percent concept.  He is one of them, but his sense of humanity and ability to look at himself and the situation realistically does give me some hope.  This isn't a perfect documentary, but it's enjoyable and worth watching.

The Union: The Business Behind Getting High- Well made and well presented, but I didn't feel too wowed by it.  I mean, are there really that many people (and by "people" I mean people who think) that think pot should remain illegal and don't know what this film is talking about?... There probably are.  I don't want to believe Sarah Palin is real either.  Watch it if you don't know the facts.

Man On Wire- Philippe Petit doesn't seem that crazy to me, despite walking a rope between the twin towers.  If you've ever felt a burning passion or desire, or had a hobby that was dangerous but you loved, then you will find something to connect with in this film.  Philippe is not only a great high-wire walker, he is an excellent story teller.  Though I am sure there are parts of this story which could have been elaborated on, and at times I felt they reiterated facts which had already been hashed out when there was MORE they could have explored.  I would say watch it.

Live Nude Girls Unite!- Strippers unionizing.  Its a good story.  Sex workers should have rights too.  What a novel concept! (sarcasm) Worth watching, but not on my top list.


There you go!  Hope I've given you some direction on your personal quest to watch the best documentaries out there.  We're all on that quest, right?

SWAK- Single Women Also... Knead?

Happy Post-Valentines Day.  Time for a wrap up.

I arrived to work yesterday and was immediately stuffed with cookies and candies by coworkers to show their appreciation (and continued desire for) my womanly hips and nursing abilities.

I was also accosted by several heart doilies emblazoned with the letters "SWAK".  I didn't know what that meant, but it seemed likely to be a threat or a bad acronym.

I brainstormed possible meanings:

SWAK- noun.  Nun chucks disguised as heart shaped doilies. 

SWAK- adjective. Shiny, sharp and jagged.

SWAK- verb. To take down innocents using hard candies to trip them.

Sword Wielding Anthropomorphic Kangaroos

Soft Wet Acidic Kale

Sorry Wittle Asshole Kids

Sappy Works of Art, Kid

Sophisticated Works of Andy Kaufman 

What it actually means is boring Vday crap, so you can sort it out yourself.  I'm going with the Andy Kaufman explanation.

 

As single gals are apt to do on Valentines day I scheduled myself for a sleep study.  It was hilarious.

I should have brought a camera, but it wasn't on the list of things to bring, so just picture this is me:

Important points:

-Covered in wires

-A nice man tucked me in and was very concerned about my comfort

-He offered me all the pillows I wanted

-He commented several times on how nice my hair is (while struggling to put wires into this beautiful, thick, luscious mane)

-There were at least two cameras watching my every move

-The aforementioned man was sitting in another room watching me sleep

-He would occasionally come in and move shit around.  (Frankly, I think he was just bored because his job is to watch people sleep.)

At one point he came in and asked me if I was too warm (I think I was fussing with the covers).  I said "yes" and he turned down the thermostat.  

I really thought he loved me...

Until at 6:00am he woke me up and kicked me out. 

Damn.

Sleep study theme song:

Here in my car I feel safest of all.

I was thinking I'd like to put some bumper stickers on my car.

I figure that's a decision one has to MAKE at some point.  They must decide "I AM a bumper sticker TYPE."

I will be taking bumper sticker suggestions.  I'm going for ironically white trash, to give you some direction in your search.  Please tell me where to get those fake bullet holes, I will need lots of those.  Thanks.

And in this episode of "Only in New Hampshire"  I saw a man wearing all camouflage driving a camouflage painted Ford Mustang.  True story.

+

Frankly, I wouldn't have even SEEN him and his car had he not been stopped at the Shell station next to me.  It took me a few minutes to focus my eyes and convince myself he was REALLY there.

Oh, Craigslist.

Whenever I read the Missed Connections on Craigslist I always just sit there singing this song:



Don't these people remember the lessons they learned from Disney movies?

For the most part I find the Missed Connections slightly uplifting, cutesy and only a little sad.  And living in the city-ish you always eventually come across one that is to someone you know, which is a kick.

If you want to gawk and stare at strange human behavior you could coast over to Casual Encounters (... I only read it for the articles, I swear!*)

These people learned everything they've ever needed to know from 2 Live Crew:



I googled around a bit to see if anyone ever did any research on whether or not casual encounters actually results in any and it has been done:  http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/i-did-it-for-science/i-did-it-for-science-craigs-list-casual-encounters?page=2   The short answer is "no, not really."

I just can't imagine why a woman would go for that.  I know I shouldn't be so judgmental... but I REALLY wonder what the men think is going to happen when they slap up a dick pic.  Are the ladies just going to FLOCK? Do they not care because they just like tossing it out there? Do they want to feel like their prostitute hand picked them for their excellent junk?

I'm going to become an anthropologist and mostly just study Craigslist.  You know... after I get out of the jungle.

*There are no articles.