SWAK- Single Women Also... Knead?

Happy Post-Valentines Day.  Time for a wrap up.

I arrived to work yesterday and was immediately stuffed with cookies and candies by coworkers to show their appreciation (and continued desire for) my womanly hips and nursing abilities.

I was also accosted by several heart doilies emblazoned with the letters "SWAK".  I didn't know what that meant, but it seemed likely to be a threat or a bad acronym.

I brainstormed possible meanings:

SWAK- noun.  Nun chucks disguised as heart shaped doilies. 

SWAK- adjective. Shiny, sharp and jagged.

SWAK- verb. To take down innocents using hard candies to trip them.

Sword Wielding Anthropomorphic Kangaroos

Soft Wet Acidic Kale

Sorry Wittle Asshole Kids

Sappy Works of Art, Kid

Sophisticated Works of Andy Kaufman 

What it actually means is boring Vday crap, so you can sort it out yourself.  I'm going with the Andy Kaufman explanation.

 

As single gals are apt to do on Valentines day I scheduled myself for a sleep study.  It was hilarious.

I should have brought a camera, but it wasn't on the list of things to bring, so just picture this is me:

Important points:

-Covered in wires

-A nice man tucked me in and was very concerned about my comfort

-He offered me all the pillows I wanted

-He commented several times on how nice my hair is (while struggling to put wires into this beautiful, thick, luscious mane)

-There were at least two cameras watching my every move

-The aforementioned man was sitting in another room watching me sleep

-He would occasionally come in and move shit around.  (Frankly, I think he was just bored because his job is to watch people sleep.)

At one point he came in and asked me if I was too warm (I think I was fussing with the covers).  I said "yes" and he turned down the thermostat.  

I really thought he loved me...

Until at 6:00am he woke me up and kicked me out. 

Damn.

Sleep study theme song:

Here in my car I feel safest of all.

I was thinking I'd like to put some bumper stickers on my car.

I figure that's a decision one has to MAKE at some point.  They must decide "I AM a bumper sticker TYPE."

I will be taking bumper sticker suggestions.  I'm going for ironically white trash, to give you some direction in your search.  Please tell me where to get those fake bullet holes, I will need lots of those.  Thanks.

And in this episode of "Only in New Hampshire"  I saw a man wearing all camouflage driving a camouflage painted Ford Mustang.  True story.

+

Frankly, I wouldn't have even SEEN him and his car had he not been stopped at the Shell station next to me.  It took me a few minutes to focus my eyes and convince myself he was REALLY there.

Oh, Craigslist.

Whenever I read the Missed Connections on Craigslist I always just sit there singing this song:



Don't these people remember the lessons they learned from Disney movies?

For the most part I find the Missed Connections slightly uplifting, cutesy and only a little sad.  And living in the city-ish you always eventually come across one that is to someone you know, which is a kick.

If you want to gawk and stare at strange human behavior you could coast over to Casual Encounters (... I only read it for the articles, I swear!*)

These people learned everything they've ever needed to know from 2 Live Crew:



I googled around a bit to see if anyone ever did any research on whether or not casual encounters actually results in any and it has been done:  http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/i-did-it-for-science/i-did-it-for-science-craigs-list-casual-encounters?page=2   The short answer is "no, not really."

I just can't imagine why a woman would go for that.  I know I shouldn't be so judgmental... but I REALLY wonder what the men think is going to happen when they slap up a dick pic.  Are the ladies just going to FLOCK? Do they not care because they just like tossing it out there? Do they want to feel like their prostitute hand picked them for their excellent junk?

I'm going to become an anthropologist and mostly just study Craigslist.  You know... after I get out of the jungle.

*There are no articles.

Chinese Up My New Year.

It's the year of the dragon.  Hot news.

Some friends of mine and I went down to Chinatown to celebrate the Chinese New Year.

I thought we were spending our day studying dragons and dragon-behavioral-science.  But as it turns out what we actually witnessed was a Lion Dance.











I still learned a lot about Chinese lions.  I am going to break that down for you.

• Lions require snacks to dance.  They most prefer lettuce and oranges. 
• Despite the presence of PLENTY of young, fresh, fleshy children, lions are COMPLETELY vegan and did not take ONE bite of any child.
• Lions are extremely messy eaters.  I mean really, I was a little embarrassed for them.
• Lions hang out with trouble makers.  Although I witnessed no lions themselves light anything on fire, I saw their trouble-making companions light all sorts of things on fire.

That's the generalized breakdown of what lions are like, best I could gather.  The lion dance parade itself is an interesting thing.  It's a parade you follow around while they go from business to business dancing, making a mess with lettuce, tossing oranges at my head (true story, I got SMACKED hard upside the head by a wayward lion-orange), taking cards full of money, playing the drums and lighting off firecrackers.

It's totally fun!




Here's some cute-ass, vegan lions:

Glad I could provide you with a touch of culture.

Happy New Year!

My Latest Great Idea.

I'm going to take up spackling as a hobby.

This will go down great.  I will meet potential new friends (PNFs) and impress them with my eclectic hobby list.

PNF: It's great to meet you, Laura!  Tell me, what sort of things you like to do?

Me:  I spackle.

PNF: ...You mean like filling holes in the wall?

Me: Yes.

PNF: (So impressed they are rendered silent)

Frankly, who wouldn't? It's great.  Huge hole in the wall, toss up a piece of patch, spackle the crap out of it and VOILA! it's like the nothing never was*.

I watched Idlewild today.  I have no idea what those assholes as Rotten Tomatoes are on about.  It was a awesome movie with kick ass dance scenes.  I never have my finger on the pulse of what other people like...



*I will now be working a point based system^.  I will be giving 5 points for the first person to get this reference.

^points are not redeemable in the continental US, Alaska, Canada or anywhere.

Classy Broad I Am.

I have barnmates.  It's a social group that most people don't have.  You have friends, acquaintances, coworkers, relatives, maybe you like to chat up the bagger at the grocery store.

I board my horse.  This comes with barnmates. They are sort've what it would be like to try and combine coworkers and relatives and make them your friends.

Does that make any sense?... No, I didn't think so. They are the people who board their horses where mine lives.  I spend a lot of time with them.

Anyway, classy group my barnmates are we occasionally like to hit up Whipper Snappers (yes, I believe this to be a bar/night club geared towards an older demographic, but no one seems to care what I think) and listen to a cover band called Spiral Circus.

This is actually my life.

To continue, Spiral Circus is fronted by a (total guess) 19 year old male singer who wears uncomfortably tight khakis, he loves to shake his money-maker, and some lady-friend of his.

Oh! You're in luck! I found you a video:



We should back track a bit before we get to the disgusting conclusion of this story.

I will only say this once.  The word "moist" is disgusting.  Saying it, thinking it, hearing it makes my stomach churn.  Someone might as well say "moldy fish taco" in an attempt to be sexy.

And this word aversion is not uncommon!  Please see here:

http://www.good.is/post/why-do-we-hate-the-word-moist/

Now, apparently when you're 19 and front a cover band you can be easily bought off by jello shots. Easily. So, what did my barnmates do? They paid off the band with jello shots to say that heinous word for half of the night.

In conclusion my Friday night consisted of:

1. Riding my horse (she was a good girl)
2. Feeding everyone else's horses night hay
3. Arriving at Whipper Snappers and ordering a Reuben
4. Dancing like an idiot
5. Drinking more beer than I'd like to admit
6. Paying more than my fair share of the tab
7. Being sexually harassed by a cover band

I'm not sure if I love my barnmates or hate them.

Sorry for the content of this post.  Let me help you wash it down with some real music.

Making myself happy.

For some reason I tend to make friends with dream-crushers.  It's a personality type, like type A... type B... dream-crusher.  Sunday Megan and I had a lovely brunch (peach pancakes and turkey bacon!) cooked by Michelle.

Enter dream-crushing... they had the gall to inform me that if I want to get away from things such as Forever Lazy, Snuggie, and Pajama Jeans- Canada is not the place to do it.

Ain't gonna let nobody turn me 'round... 

Here's some art by Amy for good measure. (These are hanging on my wall and bring me great happiness)

I was feeling a bit shitty today.  Good news is the internet never lets me down and I discovered this gem: http://www.101waysyoucantgetpregnant.com/

How can that NOT make you happy?

And here's a picture of Lovey. Because I'm a cat-lady and it just is what it is.

I decided to watch that Werner Herzog film.  You will want to know my opinion so stay tuned, more documentary film reviews coming in the near future!

(even I was annoyed by that sentence...)