The State of the East Coast Address.

Fellow East Coasters, I have seen our highways, roads, scenic byways, cities, towns and villages and I bring to you this message....

COWS: Farmers are not evil monsters who want to feed you crap. I saw PLENTY of delicious looking grass fed beef in EVERY state I went to. You want cows to live in beautiful pastures eating what cows are supposed to eat before they become your steak and farmers want to provide it. We can do this man... two step process. PAY MORE FOR YOUR MEAT AND EAT LESS OF IT.

ORLANDO: I have seen the dark side. Orlando is a concrete jungle that was once open space. Until 1971 when a vacation resort opened. I have never seen so many strip malls selling junk in my entire life. 

ALLIGATORS: Are awesome and my friends.

GAS: In NJ you cannot pump your own gas. I asked the gas station attendants why and they weren't sure. Jobs maybe? None the less, gas makes road tripping not cheap, but if you own an efficient car it won't kill you and there's a lot to be said for the highway system that allows us to travel so easily around this country. This is a HUGE damn country.

PEOPLE: I've driven through 14 states (and all of the original 13 colonies, though not NH on this trip, but c'mon I live on the border) and can happily tell you that no matter where you go people are individuals and not stereotypes. I was treated politely by dozens of strangers and had great conversations with a few. Never once did anyone in my travels say anything disparaging about a woman traveling alone.  Although I had to explain to the folks at Orlando Hyundai a few times that I am in fact in town FROM Boston, not that I had moved from Boston.  I saw only one Mass plate after Virginia. I was rare fruit.

HYUNDAI: My Accent is a magical dream machine that takes me where I want to go and does not ask many questions. I love you, Little Accent, I promise I'll change your oil and take you to the car doctors more often. Your hatchback makes me so happy.

SKYLINE DRIVE: Driving Skyline drive through Shenandoah early in the morning needs to be on your life checklist. The views are amazing. The road is peaceful and beautiful. And it's basically a DEER SAFARI!

The most beautiful state though? My apologies to all the rest, but...

NORTH CAROLINA: Or as I like to call it "the Motherland". The Blue Ridge Mountains are as close to heaven as I'm ever going to get, and the BBQ in NC is a far cut above the rest. The only decent cup of coffee I found below the Mason-Dixon was in Asheville, NC and coffee makes everything more beautiful. Asheville in general is just a nice, relaxed, liberal community set within the most awe inspiring mountain range.

PARKS AND CAMPING: State and National parks are the coolest. We can just drive on in somewhere, pitch a tent and spend the night.  It gave me a chance to see the wildlife of the state I was in and rise with the sun to get more of my day in. However there are downsides, camping is not particularly social despite being around many people, and I did not always sleep well while camping and I recommend taking a break and staying a hotel or hostel to get a good nights rest while road tripping.

HOSTELING: Hostels are great places for like-minded travelers to gather.  I stayed at Bon Paul and Sharky's in West Asheville, NC and it was simply lovely.  The people there were kind and jovial and the accommodations were clean and nice.  They even had a hot tub! Which I took full advantage of. On future road trips I think I will stay in more hostels. 

THE RADIO: One of my favorite thing to do on a road trip is browse the local radio stations. It gives you a great idea of the demographics of the area without even leaving your car. Also, I found this fucking kick ass blues hour playing on a jazz station in the NY/NJ area. It made for one pleasant hour of driving, they were playing all my blues favs. I also got to listen to some crazy fucking Pentecostal radio show in PA. They were literally having a deep discussion on speaking in tongues, you couldn't make this shit up.

Stay tuned for the second half of the state of the East Coast!

I've breathed the mountain air, man.

Road trip complete!

I drove... 3,463.4 miles
Through... 14 states plus D.C.
Got gas... 14 times

Saw...
23 deer
4 alligators
3 turkeys
2 anoles
2 ospreys
2 black bears
1 pheasant
1 beetle the size of a house
1 hobo cat
and countless other little critters and probably 10,000 cows

Watched...
5 sunsets
3 sunrises
and not ONE minute of TV

Ate BBQ in...
3 states and North Carolina wins by a long shot.

Slept in...
3 campgrounds (2 state parks and one national park)
1 hostel
1 hotel
1 Aunt's house

For a total of...
9 nights

Sent...
20+ postcards (didn't really keep track, but lots!)

Drove on countless roads through endless cities and towns.

Spoke with dozens of strangers, got in zero knife fights and was only conned out of part of my fortune.

Stay tuned for my "State of the East Coast" address in the coming days.

Florida is not Iran, and other bad comparisons.

If you've stood anywhere near me lately you've probably periodically heard me say "ROOOOAAADD TRIPPP!" and do a little dance.  After awhile you may have even figured out that means I'm taking a road trip down the east coast by my lonesome.

There's a 50% you tried to warn me that I am a helpless woman and should probably stick to driving to the super market and back*, lest I get rape/murdered/lost/fall off a mountain/mountain lioned/into a knife fight/conned out of my fortune/"saved"/my car just collapses in a heap and YES, I've seen Deliverance, thank you.

Where am I planning on going?  Glad you asked.  Here's a map so you can keep track of me!


View Larger Map

If you want a post card for your fridge make sure I have your address!


*minor exaggeration.

Hannah is an axe murderer.

There's a park near my house with a statue paying homage to Hannah Duston.

Here's a colorful version of Hannah's story.  In short, she was captured by Native Americans in 1697 and tomahawked her way out of that shit.  She is the first woman in the U.S. honored with a statue.  (... go ladies?) In 1897 the statue pictured above was erected in Haverhill, Hannah's home town.

I bought a point and shoot camera recently.  My new pocket-pal.  Now I can easily walk around Haverhill documenting the things I see.  You know, like my feet and Uncle Eddie's Needful Things.

I went on a castle visit.  No wizards present.

Looked at some of the pretty houses in my neighborhood.  (Seriously, these are within blocks of my apartment. Haverhill is a nice place. Don't believe that shit you hear.)

And here's some pretty flowers from the trees at the park, just to round out this tour.

So what did we learn today, kids?

That's right.  Haverhill is fancy.

Beulah is an anarchist.

I own two cats. 

Lovey: An orange ball of perfect who I have had for 14 years and I can never recall her EVER doing a bad thing, ever.

                             


And Beulah: Who is an anarchist.








I adopted Beulah as an innocent-looking grey puff from Pets In Need in December. Since this time she has tripled in size (there was no warning of this in the adoption papers.  Imagine if you bought a Smart car and it became a minivan.).  As she is an orphan I can only speculate as to who her parents were and how she ended up here.

It is my current working theory that they are democratic activists here on some sort of political asylum. When I see her looking out the window I hear her mumbling things like "If this is what they call "democracy" I want no part of this.  This is not freedom, as promised. These people are not free... they are part of the MACHINE."

Typical teenage rebellion.

She has this odd accent too.  I think she's from the Balkans.

One day I came home to this and found Beulah screaming at the top of her lungs about making "pamphlets" and "taking down the man". I have tried to explain that she can take down the man on her own time, but while under MY roof she follows MY rules.

She told me rules are for cowards and she would not "engage the oligarchy".

Honestly, if it was just that mumbo-jumbo that teens go on about where they use big words to sound smart talking about subjects they have no idea about, that would be one thing.  But it's really having an effect on the home life of Lovey and I.  Beulah told me she "doesn't believe in property" so she regularly rearranges the apartment and takes things that don't belong to her and hides them. She also has an insanely irregular sleep pattern (sleep pattern anarchy?). Sometimes she goes to bed at 2AM and wakes Lovey and I up at 5AM demanding breakfast.

One day I found her playing with a knife.  I told her that was ill advised and her eyes rolled so hard back into her head I thought they were going to get stuck and then she just loudly spat "WHATEVER" at me.

I just hope this is a passing phase. She was such a sweet baby.  I don't even want to talk about this odd hobby she has she calls "thunder hoofin'" where she runs through the apartment fast as she can trying to make as much noise as possible.  I tried to ask her why she does that, but to tell you the truth when she mentioned the word "despotism" I stopped listening.

I'm at my whits end with the electrical wire chewing.  She said the pain is worth the 30 second high...What do you even say to that?

Yesterday she told me she's thinking about "dabbling in the occult".  I don't honestly think she has any idea what she's talking about.  I think she just wants to justify sacrificing one of the birds outside the window.

I also need to warn any potential house guest that Beulah does not respect privacy while someone is in the bathroom.  She has explained to me that once she can have privacy whenever and wherever she wants I can have privacy in the bathroom.  And don't for one second think locking the door will stop her from enforcing this. She calls it part of her "active resistance".

***While this is all BASED on a true story of my life with Beulah, there is SOME minor exaggeration to get my point across.  She has never actually used the word "despotism" in a full sentence.***

I still don't regret adopting her. She's a great pet who has a home with me for life.

Please adopt!

There's 5 to 7 MILLION animals that enter shelters each year, and 3 to 4 million are euthanized (70% of the cats!)  If you already have a cat or dog don't forget to spay or neuter and be part of the solution.

...Yeah, but WHY?

Settled in 1640 Haverhill, MA is a great historical town along the Merrimack River.  Decisions had to be made as to where I would live.  So decide I did.  My criteria was pretty simple; I needed somewhere not too far from NH, still on the commuter rail, and cheap.

I needed a place to live.  It's right there on the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, shelter.  I know I had safe temporary housing, but I needed a spot to really call "home".

Also, Lovey HATES dogs and kept threatening to run away if we didn't move away from these uncivilized beasts ASAP.  One time I swear I saw her putting anti-freeze into the dog bowls, but when I asked her about it she denied it and who wouldn't believe this face?

My move was SO smooth, like Shaft, due to the fine upstanding citizens of this earth who showed up to help. Here's a group shot we posed for:

Frankly, I mostly moved to Haverhill because there's a muthafuckin' castle! 

...Okay, I visited the "castle" and calling that a castle is little like declaring your pillow fort is Fort Bragg. But none the less it's a pile of rocks formed into a castle-like building.

So, stay tuned loyal readers as I get to know the city of Haverhill (population 60,879) and wow you with all it has to offer.  I declare this a year in Haverhill.  Maybe I'll write a book...

101 Reasons Why YOU Should Help ME Move.

If you're part of my inner circle you probably know I'm moving soon.  If you're not part of my inner circle, I still have no problem with you showing up on moving day.

The date is set!  March 31st.  It's a Saturday for most people's convenience.

You're probably going to need a small amount of persuasion to show up and lift heavy shit for me.  Most likely only a little bit though, who the hell wouldn't want to do something nice for ME?

So, let me lay out some great reasons to help me move:

1. I will be in your debt to help YOU move someday.
2. I will openly compliment your amazing strength and sexy musculature while you lift my shit.
3. I will make you sweet tea.
4. I AM sweet tea.
5. I am NOT a hoarder, and hell, will probably give you some of my shit if you ask.
6. I will let you go through my shit to satisfy your curiosity about what sort of knickknacks I have.
7. I own very little furniture.
8. My cats are totally cute.  You could pet one or both of them once they are moved in.
9. You can drive a small moving truck... dear god... please someone else drive the truck.
10. You can make fun of what a shitty driver I am while impressing me by driving the truck.
11. For stalking purposes you will know where I live.  You can threaten me later.
12. I will order pizza.
13. I am a helpless woman.
14. I will de-friend you on facebook if you DON'T help me move.
15. It can be your ONE good deed for the year.
16. We can make kick ass memories together of that time you helped me move and (FILL IN THE BLANK).
17. I take nice photos.  I will take a nice photo of you and hang it up on my wall under the banner "Awesome People Who Helped Me Move."
18. You can use me as a job reference.
19. I will compliment your work ethic.
20." I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
Maya Angelou" Maya Angelou is never wrong.

21. Great workout... I mean... you've put on a few pounds lately, right?

22. You're curious if anyone else will show up to help me move, or as you suspect, you are my only friend.

23. There will be beer. 

24. I'm begging.

25. You probably ARE my only friend, and what the hell is going to happen if even YOU don't show up?

26. You want to make sure I'm actually GONE.

27. You like me.

28. I'm a nice person who does good things for other people.

29. Being a nurse can be a thankless profession.  Here's your chance to thank me.

30. You want to prove yourself to one of my other friends as my ultimate friend.

31. You're really into feng shui and want to impress me with your knowledge.

32. I give good back rubs.

33. Pay it forward.

34. What the hell else do you have to do?

35. It's really only a few boxes.  I moved most of it in my tiny Accent in 5 trips.

36. I've probably bought you dinner or a beer before and probably will in the future.

37. You can use the "I helped my friend move this weekend" excuse to be tired at work the next day.

38. I know all (or at least most) of the words to Baby Got Back and will sing it for you/at you.

39. I might have nice neighbors you'd like to meet.  You never know.
40. You'll want to establish that "we're the kind of friends who just open each others' refrigerators and take what we want" early on at my new apartment.
41. I care deeply about your opinion on interior decorating.  Here's your chance to have a say.
42. Moving boxes will give you killer triceps.  I mean, EVEN more killer than you already have, Sexy.
43. I will call you "Sexy" all day long.
44. You could really use an ego boost.
45. I come from a small family, my parents are unable to help move heavy shit and my brother lives in VT.
46. Pity.
47. We can play a rousing game of "guess what's in this box!"
48. You can snoop my movie collection.  There's some seriously racy shit in there.  It will make you blush.
49. I'll tell you how cute you are when you blush.
50. You want to prove that women can lift heavy shit too or, alternatively, prove your manliness to me.
51. You just want me to shut up, and if moving a fucking box will make me shut up, THEN FINE!
52. You want to test my patience by moving one box an hour and spending the rest of the time sippin' sweet tea.
53. I am amazingly patient.
54. You're hoping some of my good looking single friends might show up.
55. You haven't left the house in six weeks anyway.  Here's your chance! I'm inviting you to something.
56. I'll leave you some great comments on your facebook wall specified to your liking.
57. You're super busy, but what's one more thing?
58. You're a masochist.
59. It's not a big deal.  Why wouldn't you help a friend move?
60. You want a place to crash in the Merrimack Valley.
61. Bribery.
62. You want to test my knowledge of physics or geometry or something.
63. I will wax poetic about what a great friend you are.
64. You actually ARE a great friend.
65. We can sit down and watch COPS afterwards.
66. The American Heart Association recommends AT LEAST 30 mins per day of physical activity.
67. I can't afford professional movers.
68. I'm great at making lists.
69. <-- *wink*
70. I'll remember your birthday.
71. I do "safe lifting" training yearly and will help you use proper body mechanics to lift things.
72. I don't have telekinesis.
73. You do have telekinesis.  Prove it.
74. I'll let you pick the moving music.
75. You need my address to send suspicious powders.
76. You're hoping my new place is haunted and we can have a seance.
77. You will never see my apartment that clean again.
78. You want to hold it over my head how you helped me move once... forever.
79. You want to be referred to as the kind of person who would "give you the shirt off his/her back."
80. I need your help.
81. It's a team building activity.
82. Community service.
83. It's not like I move often.
84. You're hoping to get a key.
85. Physical activity will help chase your winter blues away.
86. You're awesome.
87. I know one too many of your secrets to risk pissing me off.
88. Work those quads.
89. Years of friendship-investment I've put into you.
90. If I ever send X-mas cards I'll totally put you on my list.
91. I think I remember you already agreeing to help me. You can't go back on your word.
92. Because your daddy taught you good.
93. I'm reaching.
94. I will teach you how to build a campfire.
95. I'm damn entertaining.  You will just enjoy being around me during the move.
96. The more people show up the faster the whole thing will go.
97. Your indecisiveness is unbecoming of you.  Just DECIDE to help me move.
98. Boxes.
99. My new apartment has a creepy attic.  You will want to see it.
100. Once it's all moved in we can all engage in a group hug.
101. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE!!!