Please text me.

Here are a series of random texts I have gotten and sent over the past week (okay, I wrote this weeks ago) rearranged for my amusement to make a short play. (Names have been removed... to protect our jobs...)

I've entitled this work of art "Buy_Me_A_New_Phone_Please"

"Maybe an entire bottle of wine is not a good idea."
"Try roofies then. Makes more interesting"
"Why tell girls it's not going to happen?"
"I'm out on the town! We'll discuss that later. Don't get beat up."


"You want me to pick you up on the side of the road?"
"I only give out pity-handys. You'd probably find it unsatisfying.  They are inherently unsatisfying.  How can you not grocery shop?"
"Stupid examples. I Win. Showtime!"


"The sewer?"
"He fell in the sewer tunnel and was swept out to sea. A real shame..."

"Mama is hilarious. I come home last night and she says "who were you with?"... "A gentleman."... "does he have a job?"


"You shouldn't do that. If nothing else, it's like insulting my good taste."
"So if the day starts religiously, how will it end?"
"Sex, drinking... that's about it.'
"Oh, I just remembered, my date was legit quoting Bill Hicks word-for-word.  Hot."


"If I could send pictures from my phone I would send you like 10 pics of my kitten right now. She's so cute I could die. You're really missing out."
"At least someone saw some action last night. Good work!'
"I regret nothing!"


"Having clean, hot, running water available to us at all times really is an amazing thing that we should not take for granted."
"In his defense, he wanted to get off the phone when he realized he was making an ass of himself and I didn't let him."


"Well, I guess there's an end to the tour. Sitting on a slab."
"I might be too busy cracking Luis jokes. "You again ask her if she is in to feces. I no think she answer you true.""
"And where might one reassign their internal Chilean miner trying to sabotage them?"


"Is it time to make you look popular yet?"
"just one of my legion."


"Should I rent a rape van?"
"Think what you want, act how you are, don't tell me I'm not trying and we should be good."
"She says go for it! Next Tuesday!"


"it was meh. not bad but not good either. What time is John Waters/What are you up to?"
"oops! blinked my eyes and I have a date for tonight."
"Hmm that's a problem. And I don't think my date got my Bill Hicks reference. I'm disappointed."

"Buy_me_a_new_phone_please"
"200 dollars is a lot of money."