Blaauuugh.

Haven't updated lately, haven't moved or taken a road trip. Beulah's still an axe murder and Hannah's still an anarchist... or maybe the other way around.

I've watched plenty of documentaries lately, but I've been keeping poor documentation. Though I do vividly remember watching The Cannibal that Walked Free and you can too.

I also watched a terrible documentary about that guy who ate the other guy because he wanted it. I was completely grossed out.

Note to self: stop watching documentaries involving cannibalism.

I took this picture at some point:

I feel I've gotten to know my new adopted city well enough that I can now be offering up free tours.

TOURS OF HAVERHILL OFFERED ON FRIDAYS! COME ENJOY THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE QUEEN SLIPPER CITY!

River Street Terror

I don't know if you've heard, but crime is up here in the Queen Slipper City.

I've done a few crime scene investigations (rubber necking) and started a neighborhood watch.



 And by that I mean I've started watching my neighbors closely and trying to decide what constitutes "tattooed". Mostly they just yell at their kids for swearing or not wearing their bicycle helmets (and as an aside I think I live across from the "cool house", you know where EVERY kid within a 4 mile radius hangs out because the parents are lax).

Seriously, I have learned that dad's script.

"GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!"
"...why?!"
"You're not wearing your helmet! And you didn't even ask if you could be on that bike!"

"What did you just call her?!"
"She's a stupid WHORE!"
"GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

What was I talking about?... Oh yeah. Crime, right here in Haverhill-city. Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "D" and that stands for "drugs". Yes, I know the police don't have the bad guys yet so they aren't saying the motive, but I'mma take a leap here.

Although the last murder 'round these parts was a murder/suicide husband/wife deal.  You know, marriage could be one of the leading causes of murder.

Could someone go work some statistics for me and make that happen? Thanks.

Now this could be odd to state under the pretense of this post, but I love this city. It has all the charm and strange architectural excess of the 1880s, a castle, farms and it's "small" enough that the news paper still reads like a local gossip rag, yet still has the feel of a working class city and even a good coffee shop, farmers market and brewery. 

Haverhill, we were made for each other, I feel you really GET me.

The State of the East Coast Address.

Fellow East Coasters, I have seen our highways, roads, scenic byways, cities, towns and villages and I bring to you this message....

COWS: Farmers are not evil monsters who want to feed you crap. I saw PLENTY of delicious looking grass fed beef in EVERY state I went to. You want cows to live in beautiful pastures eating what cows are supposed to eat before they become your steak and farmers want to provide it. We can do this man... two step process. PAY MORE FOR YOUR MEAT AND EAT LESS OF IT.

ORLANDO: I have seen the dark side. Orlando is a concrete jungle that was once open space. Until 1971 when a vacation resort opened. I have never seen so many strip malls selling junk in my entire life. 

ALLIGATORS: Are awesome and my friends.

GAS: In NJ you cannot pump your own gas. I asked the gas station attendants why and they weren't sure. Jobs maybe? None the less, gas makes road tripping not cheap, but if you own an efficient car it won't kill you and there's a lot to be said for the highway system that allows us to travel so easily around this country. This is a HUGE damn country.

PEOPLE: I've driven through 14 states (and all of the original 13 colonies, though not NH on this trip, but c'mon I live on the border) and can happily tell you that no matter where you go people are individuals and not stereotypes. I was treated politely by dozens of strangers and had great conversations with a few. Never once did anyone in my travels say anything disparaging about a woman traveling alone.  Although I had to explain to the folks at Orlando Hyundai a few times that I am in fact in town FROM Boston, not that I had moved from Boston.  I saw only one Mass plate after Virginia. I was rare fruit.

HYUNDAI: My Accent is a magical dream machine that takes me where I want to go and does not ask many questions. I love you, Little Accent, I promise I'll change your oil and take you to the car doctors more often. Your hatchback makes me so happy.

SKYLINE DRIVE: Driving Skyline drive through Shenandoah early in the morning needs to be on your life checklist. The views are amazing. The road is peaceful and beautiful. And it's basically a DEER SAFARI!

The most beautiful state though? My apologies to all the rest, but...

NORTH CAROLINA: Or as I like to call it "the Motherland". The Blue Ridge Mountains are as close to heaven as I'm ever going to get, and the BBQ in NC is a far cut above the rest. The only decent cup of coffee I found below the Mason-Dixon was in Asheville, NC and coffee makes everything more beautiful. Asheville in general is just a nice, relaxed, liberal community set within the most awe inspiring mountain range.

PARKS AND CAMPING: State and National parks are the coolest. We can just drive on in somewhere, pitch a tent and spend the night.  It gave me a chance to see the wildlife of the state I was in and rise with the sun to get more of my day in. However there are downsides, camping is not particularly social despite being around many people, and I did not always sleep well while camping and I recommend taking a break and staying a hotel or hostel to get a good nights rest while road tripping.

HOSTELING: Hostels are great places for like-minded travelers to gather.  I stayed at Bon Paul and Sharky's in West Asheville, NC and it was simply lovely.  The people there were kind and jovial and the accommodations were clean and nice.  They even had a hot tub! Which I took full advantage of. On future road trips I think I will stay in more hostels. 

THE RADIO: One of my favorite thing to do on a road trip is browse the local radio stations. It gives you a great idea of the demographics of the area without even leaving your car. Also, I found this fucking kick ass blues hour playing on a jazz station in the NY/NJ area. It made for one pleasant hour of driving, they were playing all my blues favs. I also got to listen to some crazy fucking Pentecostal radio show in PA. They were literally having a deep discussion on speaking in tongues, you couldn't make this shit up.

Stay tuned for the second half of the state of the East Coast!

I've breathed the mountain air, man.

Road trip complete!

I drove... 3,463.4 miles
Through... 14 states plus D.C.
Got gas... 14 times

Saw...
23 deer
4 alligators
3 turkeys
2 anoles
2 ospreys
2 black bears
1 pheasant
1 beetle the size of a house
1 hobo cat
and countless other little critters and probably 10,000 cows

Watched...
5 sunsets
3 sunrises
and not ONE minute of TV

Ate BBQ in...
3 states and North Carolina wins by a long shot.

Slept in...
3 campgrounds (2 state parks and one national park)
1 hostel
1 hotel
1 Aunt's house

For a total of...
9 nights

Sent...
20+ postcards (didn't really keep track, but lots!)

Drove on countless roads through endless cities and towns.

Spoke with dozens of strangers, got in zero knife fights and was only conned out of part of my fortune.

Stay tuned for my "State of the East Coast" address in the coming days.

Florida is not Iran, and other bad comparisons.

If you've stood anywhere near me lately you've probably periodically heard me say "ROOOOAAADD TRIPPP!" and do a little dance.  After awhile you may have even figured out that means I'm taking a road trip down the east coast by my lonesome.

There's a 50% you tried to warn me that I am a helpless woman and should probably stick to driving to the super market and back*, lest I get rape/murdered/lost/fall off a mountain/mountain lioned/into a knife fight/conned out of my fortune/"saved"/my car just collapses in a heap and YES, I've seen Deliverance, thank you.

Where am I planning on going?  Glad you asked.  Here's a map so you can keep track of me!


View Larger Map

If you want a post card for your fridge make sure I have your address!


*minor exaggeration.

Hannah is an axe murderer.

There's a park near my house with a statue paying homage to Hannah Duston.

Here's a colorful version of Hannah's story.  In short, she was captured by Native Americans in 1697 and tomahawked her way out of that shit.  She is the first woman in the U.S. honored with a statue.  (... go ladies?) In 1897 the statue pictured above was erected in Haverhill, Hannah's home town.

I bought a point and shoot camera recently.  My new pocket-pal.  Now I can easily walk around Haverhill documenting the things I see.  You know, like my feet and Uncle Eddie's Needful Things.

I went on a castle visit.  No wizards present.

Looked at some of the pretty houses in my neighborhood.  (Seriously, these are within blocks of my apartment. Haverhill is a nice place. Don't believe that shit you hear.)

And here's some pretty flowers from the trees at the park, just to round out this tour.

So what did we learn today, kids?

That's right.  Haverhill is fancy.

Beulah is an anarchist.

I own two cats. 

Lovey: An orange ball of perfect who I have had for 14 years and I can never recall her EVER doing a bad thing, ever.

                             


And Beulah: Who is an anarchist.








I adopted Beulah as an innocent-looking grey puff from Pets In Need in December. Since this time she has tripled in size (there was no warning of this in the adoption papers.  Imagine if you bought a Smart car and it became a minivan.).  As she is an orphan I can only speculate as to who her parents were and how she ended up here.

It is my current working theory that they are democratic activists here on some sort of political asylum. When I see her looking out the window I hear her mumbling things like "If this is what they call "democracy" I want no part of this.  This is not freedom, as promised. These people are not free... they are part of the MACHINE."

Typical teenage rebellion.

She has this odd accent too.  I think she's from the Balkans.

One day I came home to this and found Beulah screaming at the top of her lungs about making "pamphlets" and "taking down the man". I have tried to explain that she can take down the man on her own time, but while under MY roof she follows MY rules.

She told me rules are for cowards and she would not "engage the oligarchy".

Honestly, if it was just that mumbo-jumbo that teens go on about where they use big words to sound smart talking about subjects they have no idea about, that would be one thing.  But it's really having an effect on the home life of Lovey and I.  Beulah told me she "doesn't believe in property" so she regularly rearranges the apartment and takes things that don't belong to her and hides them. She also has an insanely irregular sleep pattern (sleep pattern anarchy?). Sometimes she goes to bed at 2AM and wakes Lovey and I up at 5AM demanding breakfast.

One day I found her playing with a knife.  I told her that was ill advised and her eyes rolled so hard back into her head I thought they were going to get stuck and then she just loudly spat "WHATEVER" at me.

I just hope this is a passing phase. She was such a sweet baby.  I don't even want to talk about this odd hobby she has she calls "thunder hoofin'" where she runs through the apartment fast as she can trying to make as much noise as possible.  I tried to ask her why she does that, but to tell you the truth when she mentioned the word "despotism" I stopped listening.

I'm at my whits end with the electrical wire chewing.  She said the pain is worth the 30 second high...What do you even say to that?

Yesterday she told me she's thinking about "dabbling in the occult".  I don't honestly think she has any idea what she's talking about.  I think she just wants to justify sacrificing one of the birds outside the window.

I also need to warn any potential house guest that Beulah does not respect privacy while someone is in the bathroom.  She has explained to me that once she can have privacy whenever and wherever she wants I can have privacy in the bathroom.  And don't for one second think locking the door will stop her from enforcing this. She calls it part of her "active resistance".

***While this is all BASED on a true story of my life with Beulah, there is SOME minor exaggeration to get my point across.  She has never actually used the word "despotism" in a full sentence.***

I still don't regret adopting her. She's a great pet who has a home with me for life.

Please adopt!

There's 5 to 7 MILLION animals that enter shelters each year, and 3 to 4 million are euthanized (70% of the cats!)  If you already have a cat or dog don't forget to spay or neuter and be part of the solution.

...Yeah, but WHY?

Settled in 1640 Haverhill, MA is a great historical town along the Merrimack River.  Decisions had to be made as to where I would live.  So decide I did.  My criteria was pretty simple; I needed somewhere not too far from NH, still on the commuter rail, and cheap.

I needed a place to live.  It's right there on the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, shelter.  I know I had safe temporary housing, but I needed a spot to really call "home".

Also, Lovey HATES dogs and kept threatening to run away if we didn't move away from these uncivilized beasts ASAP.  One time I swear I saw her putting anti-freeze into the dog bowls, but when I asked her about it she denied it and who wouldn't believe this face?

My move was SO smooth, like Shaft, due to the fine upstanding citizens of this earth who showed up to help. Here's a group shot we posed for:

Frankly, I mostly moved to Haverhill because there's a muthafuckin' castle! 

...Okay, I visited the "castle" and calling that a castle is little like declaring your pillow fort is Fort Bragg. But none the less it's a pile of rocks formed into a castle-like building.

So, stay tuned loyal readers as I get to know the city of Haverhill (population 60,879) and wow you with all it has to offer.  I declare this a year in Haverhill.  Maybe I'll write a book...

101 Reasons Why YOU Should Help ME Move.

If you're part of my inner circle you probably know I'm moving soon.  If you're not part of my inner circle, I still have no problem with you showing up on moving day.

The date is set!  March 31st.  It's a Saturday for most people's convenience.

You're probably going to need a small amount of persuasion to show up and lift heavy shit for me.  Most likely only a little bit though, who the hell wouldn't want to do something nice for ME?

So, let me lay out some great reasons to help me move:

1. I will be in your debt to help YOU move someday.
2. I will openly compliment your amazing strength and sexy musculature while you lift my shit.
3. I will make you sweet tea.
4. I AM sweet tea.
5. I am NOT a hoarder, and hell, will probably give you some of my shit if you ask.
6. I will let you go through my shit to satisfy your curiosity about what sort of knickknacks I have.
7. I own very little furniture.
8. My cats are totally cute.  You could pet one or both of them once they are moved in.
9. You can drive a small moving truck... dear god... please someone else drive the truck.
10. You can make fun of what a shitty driver I am while impressing me by driving the truck.
11. For stalking purposes you will know where I live.  You can threaten me later.
12. I will order pizza.
13. I am a helpless woman.
14. I will de-friend you on facebook if you DON'T help me move.
15. It can be your ONE good deed for the year.
16. We can make kick ass memories together of that time you helped me move and (FILL IN THE BLANK).
17. I take nice photos.  I will take a nice photo of you and hang it up on my wall under the banner "Awesome People Who Helped Me Move."
18. You can use me as a job reference.
19. I will compliment your work ethic.
20." I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
Maya Angelou" Maya Angelou is never wrong.

21. Great workout... I mean... you've put on a few pounds lately, right?

22. You're curious if anyone else will show up to help me move, or as you suspect, you are my only friend.

23. There will be beer. 

24. I'm begging.

25. You probably ARE my only friend, and what the hell is going to happen if even YOU don't show up?

26. You want to make sure I'm actually GONE.

27. You like me.

28. I'm a nice person who does good things for other people.

29. Being a nurse can be a thankless profession.  Here's your chance to thank me.

30. You want to prove yourself to one of my other friends as my ultimate friend.

31. You're really into feng shui and want to impress me with your knowledge.

32. I give good back rubs.

33. Pay it forward.

34. What the hell else do you have to do?

35. It's really only a few boxes.  I moved most of it in my tiny Accent in 5 trips.

36. I've probably bought you dinner or a beer before and probably will in the future.

37. You can use the "I helped my friend move this weekend" excuse to be tired at work the next day.

38. I know all (or at least most) of the words to Baby Got Back and will sing it for you/at you.

39. I might have nice neighbors you'd like to meet.  You never know.
40. You'll want to establish that "we're the kind of friends who just open each others' refrigerators and take what we want" early on at my new apartment.
41. I care deeply about your opinion on interior decorating.  Here's your chance to have a say.
42. Moving boxes will give you killer triceps.  I mean, EVEN more killer than you already have, Sexy.
43. I will call you "Sexy" all day long.
44. You could really use an ego boost.
45. I come from a small family, my parents are unable to help move heavy shit and my brother lives in VT.
46. Pity.
47. We can play a rousing game of "guess what's in this box!"
48. You can snoop my movie collection.  There's some seriously racy shit in there.  It will make you blush.
49. I'll tell you how cute you are when you blush.
50. You want to prove that women can lift heavy shit too or, alternatively, prove your manliness to me.
51. You just want me to shut up, and if moving a fucking box will make me shut up, THEN FINE!
52. You want to test my patience by moving one box an hour and spending the rest of the time sippin' sweet tea.
53. I am amazingly patient.
54. You're hoping some of my good looking single friends might show up.
55. You haven't left the house in six weeks anyway.  Here's your chance! I'm inviting you to something.
56. I'll leave you some great comments on your facebook wall specified to your liking.
57. You're super busy, but what's one more thing?
58. You're a masochist.
59. It's not a big deal.  Why wouldn't you help a friend move?
60. You want a place to crash in the Merrimack Valley.
61. Bribery.
62. You want to test my knowledge of physics or geometry or something.
63. I will wax poetic about what a great friend you are.
64. You actually ARE a great friend.
65. We can sit down and watch COPS afterwards.
66. The American Heart Association recommends AT LEAST 30 mins per day of physical activity.
67. I can't afford professional movers.
68. I'm great at making lists.
69. <-- *wink*
70. I'll remember your birthday.
71. I do "safe lifting" training yearly and will help you use proper body mechanics to lift things.
72. I don't have telekinesis.
73. You do have telekinesis.  Prove it.
74. I'll let you pick the moving music.
75. You need my address to send suspicious powders.
76. You're hoping my new place is haunted and we can have a seance.
77. You will never see my apartment that clean again.
78. You want to hold it over my head how you helped me move once... forever.
79. You want to be referred to as the kind of person who would "give you the shirt off his/her back."
80. I need your help.
81. It's a team building activity.
82. Community service.
83. It's not like I move often.
84. You're hoping to get a key.
85. Physical activity will help chase your winter blues away.
86. You're awesome.
87. I know one too many of your secrets to risk pissing me off.
88. Work those quads.
89. Years of friendship-investment I've put into you.
90. If I ever send X-mas cards I'll totally put you on my list.
91. I think I remember you already agreeing to help me. You can't go back on your word.
92. Because your daddy taught you good.
93. I'm reaching.
94. I will teach you how to build a campfire.
95. I'm damn entertaining.  You will just enjoy being around me during the move.
96. The more people show up the faster the whole thing will go.
97. Your indecisiveness is unbecoming of you.  Just DECIDE to help me move.
98. Boxes.
99. My new apartment has a creepy attic.  You will want to see it.
100. Once it's all moved in we can all engage in a group hug.
101. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE!!!

And today's medical procedure was...

I got my pap smear done today.  Is it wrong that I find ANYTHING a person asks me while actually preforming the pap hilarious?

It's my inner 12 year old.  And I always think of witty retorts a minute too late.

I know, I know... I should shut up and slap up some Hall and Oates.  That's all you come here for now.

Documentary Film Review Part VI

I'm at it again.  Here's some documentaries I've watched over the past few months and my thoughts on them.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams- Bring a tissue.  No, not because this is a SAD movie, but because you're going to have to continually wipe Werner Herzog's pre-cum off your screen.  I hate Werner Herzog.  I admit, at this point the hatred has just become irrational. Why did I even TRY and watch this? What is this movie even about? I can't get his voice out of my head! AHHHH!

Emmanuel's Gift- The plight of person's with disabilities in Ghana, West Africa is heart breaking.  I'm a total sap, so I enjoyed this fairly uplifting story about a disabled man who fought hard to work with the hand he was dealt in life.  You're a sap too, just go ahead and watch it.

Alive! Is Michael Jackson Really Dead?- This isn't so much a documentary as it is a really long VLOG of a woman in front of a bookshelf. Who gave this woman a video camera? She's not even past DENIAL in the stages of grief and no one stopped her from making a movie?  She quotes the Weekly World News as a source.  I mean, c'mon, even I've moved on to depression when it comes to the death of Michael.  Sure, I can't think about it without breaking down into tears... but I'm not grasping at straws hoping it didn't happen.  (Although, what I WANT to say is... "this is a fully factual film and Michael walks among us.") I'm not even sure why I watched this.

Waiting for Superman- I am FULLY ready to riot in the streets about the state of education in this country. Continually allowing children to fail and fall through the cracks in one of the wealthiest nations in the world makes my blood boil.  We are setting up children to FAIL and giving them no other options, meanwhile we continue to spend like crazy on building more jails and allow states to debate whether or not they should teach SCIENCE in schools or fucking mumbo-jumbo.  How can we not do better than this? Watch this film.

The One Percent- Years before Occupy Jamie Johnson was talking about the one percent concept.  He is one of them, but his sense of humanity and ability to look at himself and the situation realistically does give me some hope.  This isn't a perfect documentary, but it's enjoyable and worth watching.

The Union: The Business Behind Getting High- Well made and well presented, but I didn't feel too wowed by it.  I mean, are there really that many people (and by "people" I mean people who think) that think pot should remain illegal and don't know what this film is talking about?... There probably are.  I don't want to believe Sarah Palin is real either.  Watch it if you don't know the facts.

Man On Wire- Philippe Petit doesn't seem that crazy to me, despite walking a rope between the twin towers.  If you've ever felt a burning passion or desire, or had a hobby that was dangerous but you loved, then you will find something to connect with in this film.  Philippe is not only a great high-wire walker, he is an excellent story teller.  Though I am sure there are parts of this story which could have been elaborated on, and at times I felt they reiterated facts which had already been hashed out when there was MORE they could have explored.  I would say watch it.

Live Nude Girls Unite!- Strippers unionizing.  Its a good story.  Sex workers should have rights too.  What a novel concept! (sarcasm) Worth watching, but not on my top list.


There you go!  Hope I've given you some direction on your personal quest to watch the best documentaries out there.  We're all on that quest, right?

SWAK- Single Women Also... Knead?

Happy Post-Valentines Day.  Time for a wrap up.

I arrived to work yesterday and was immediately stuffed with cookies and candies by coworkers to show their appreciation (and continued desire for) my womanly hips and nursing abilities.

I was also accosted by several heart doilies emblazoned with the letters "SWAK".  I didn't know what that meant, but it seemed likely to be a threat or a bad acronym.

I brainstormed possible meanings:

SWAK- noun.  Nun chucks disguised as heart shaped doilies. 

SWAK- adjective. Shiny, sharp and jagged.

SWAK- verb. To take down innocents using hard candies to trip them.

Sword Wielding Anthropomorphic Kangaroos

Soft Wet Acidic Kale

Sorry Wittle Asshole Kids

Sappy Works of Art, Kid

Sophisticated Works of Andy Kaufman 

What it actually means is boring Vday crap, so you can sort it out yourself.  I'm going with the Andy Kaufman explanation.

 

As single gals are apt to do on Valentines day I scheduled myself for a sleep study.  It was hilarious.

I should have brought a camera, but it wasn't on the list of things to bring, so just picture this is me:

Important points:

-Covered in wires

-A nice man tucked me in and was very concerned about my comfort

-He offered me all the pillows I wanted

-He commented several times on how nice my hair is (while struggling to put wires into this beautiful, thick, luscious mane)

-There were at least two cameras watching my every move

-The aforementioned man was sitting in another room watching me sleep

-He would occasionally come in and move shit around.  (Frankly, I think he was just bored because his job is to watch people sleep.)

At one point he came in and asked me if I was too warm (I think I was fussing with the covers).  I said "yes" and he turned down the thermostat.  

I really thought he loved me...

Until at 6:00am he woke me up and kicked me out. 

Damn.

Sleep study theme song:

Here in my car I feel safest of all.

I was thinking I'd like to put some bumper stickers on my car.

I figure that's a decision one has to MAKE at some point.  They must decide "I AM a bumper sticker TYPE."

I will be taking bumper sticker suggestions.  I'm going for ironically white trash, to give you some direction in your search.  Please tell me where to get those fake bullet holes, I will need lots of those.  Thanks.

And in this episode of "Only in New Hampshire"  I saw a man wearing all camouflage driving a camouflage painted Ford Mustang.  True story.

+

Frankly, I wouldn't have even SEEN him and his car had he not been stopped at the Shell station next to me.  It took me a few minutes to focus my eyes and convince myself he was REALLY there.

Oh, Craigslist.

Whenever I read the Missed Connections on Craigslist I always just sit there singing this song:



Don't these people remember the lessons they learned from Disney movies?

For the most part I find the Missed Connections slightly uplifting, cutesy and only a little sad.  And living in the city-ish you always eventually come across one that is to someone you know, which is a kick.

If you want to gawk and stare at strange human behavior you could coast over to Casual Encounters (... I only read it for the articles, I swear!*)

These people learned everything they've ever needed to know from 2 Live Crew:



I googled around a bit to see if anyone ever did any research on whether or not casual encounters actually results in any and it has been done:  http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/i-did-it-for-science/i-did-it-for-science-craigs-list-casual-encounters?page=2   The short answer is "no, not really."

I just can't imagine why a woman would go for that.  I know I shouldn't be so judgmental... but I REALLY wonder what the men think is going to happen when they slap up a dick pic.  Are the ladies just going to FLOCK? Do they not care because they just like tossing it out there? Do they want to feel like their prostitute hand picked them for their excellent junk?

I'm going to become an anthropologist and mostly just study Craigslist.  You know... after I get out of the jungle.

*There are no articles.

Chinese Up My New Year.

It's the year of the dragon.  Hot news.

Some friends of mine and I went down to Chinatown to celebrate the Chinese New Year.

I thought we were spending our day studying dragons and dragon-behavioral-science.  But as it turns out what we actually witnessed was a Lion Dance.











I still learned a lot about Chinese lions.  I am going to break that down for you.

• Lions require snacks to dance.  They most prefer lettuce and oranges. 
• Despite the presence of PLENTY of young, fresh, fleshy children, lions are COMPLETELY vegan and did not take ONE bite of any child.
• Lions are extremely messy eaters.  I mean really, I was a little embarrassed for them.
• Lions hang out with trouble makers.  Although I witnessed no lions themselves light anything on fire, I saw their trouble-making companions light all sorts of things on fire.

That's the generalized breakdown of what lions are like, best I could gather.  The lion dance parade itself is an interesting thing.  It's a parade you follow around while they go from business to business dancing, making a mess with lettuce, tossing oranges at my head (true story, I got SMACKED hard upside the head by a wayward lion-orange), taking cards full of money, playing the drums and lighting off firecrackers.

It's totally fun!




Here's some cute-ass, vegan lions:

Glad I could provide you with a touch of culture.

Happy New Year!

My Latest Great Idea.

I'm going to take up spackling as a hobby.

This will go down great.  I will meet potential new friends (PNFs) and impress them with my eclectic hobby list.

PNF: It's great to meet you, Laura!  Tell me, what sort of things you like to do?

Me:  I spackle.

PNF: ...You mean like filling holes in the wall?

Me: Yes.

PNF: (So impressed they are rendered silent)

Frankly, who wouldn't? It's great.  Huge hole in the wall, toss up a piece of patch, spackle the crap out of it and VOILA! it's like the nothing never was*.

I watched Idlewild today.  I have no idea what those assholes as Rotten Tomatoes are on about.  It was a awesome movie with kick ass dance scenes.  I never have my finger on the pulse of what other people like...



*I will now be working a point based system^.  I will be giving 5 points for the first person to get this reference.

^points are not redeemable in the continental US, Alaska, Canada or anywhere.

Classy Broad I Am.

I have barnmates.  It's a social group that most people don't have.  You have friends, acquaintances, coworkers, relatives, maybe you like to chat up the bagger at the grocery store.

I board my horse.  This comes with barnmates. They are sort've what it would be like to try and combine coworkers and relatives and make them your friends.

Does that make any sense?... No, I didn't think so. They are the people who board their horses where mine lives.  I spend a lot of time with them.

Anyway, classy group my barnmates are we occasionally like to hit up Whipper Snappers (yes, I believe this to be a bar/night club geared towards an older demographic, but no one seems to care what I think) and listen to a cover band called Spiral Circus.

This is actually my life.

To continue, Spiral Circus is fronted by a (total guess) 19 year old male singer who wears uncomfortably tight khakis, he loves to shake his money-maker, and some lady-friend of his.

Oh! You're in luck! I found you a video:



We should back track a bit before we get to the disgusting conclusion of this story.

I will only say this once.  The word "moist" is disgusting.  Saying it, thinking it, hearing it makes my stomach churn.  Someone might as well say "moldy fish taco" in an attempt to be sexy.

And this word aversion is not uncommon!  Please see here:

http://www.good.is/post/why-do-we-hate-the-word-moist/

Now, apparently when you're 19 and front a cover band you can be easily bought off by jello shots. Easily. So, what did my barnmates do? They paid off the band with jello shots to say that heinous word for half of the night.

In conclusion my Friday night consisted of:

1. Riding my horse (she was a good girl)
2. Feeding everyone else's horses night hay
3. Arriving at Whipper Snappers and ordering a Reuben
4. Dancing like an idiot
5. Drinking more beer than I'd like to admit
6. Paying more than my fair share of the tab
7. Being sexually harassed by a cover band

I'm not sure if I love my barnmates or hate them.

Sorry for the content of this post.  Let me help you wash it down with some real music.

Making myself happy.

For some reason I tend to make friends with dream-crushers.  It's a personality type, like type A... type B... dream-crusher.  Sunday Megan and I had a lovely brunch (peach pancakes and turkey bacon!) cooked by Michelle.

Enter dream-crushing... they had the gall to inform me that if I want to get away from things such as Forever Lazy, Snuggie, and Pajama Jeans- Canada is not the place to do it.

Ain't gonna let nobody turn me 'round... 

Here's some art by Amy for good measure. (These are hanging on my wall and bring me great happiness)

I was feeling a bit shitty today.  Good news is the internet never lets me down and I discovered this gem: http://www.101waysyoucantgetpregnant.com/

How can that NOT make you happy?

And here's a picture of Lovey. Because I'm a cat-lady and it just is what it is.

I decided to watch that Werner Herzog film.  You will want to know my opinion so stay tuned, more documentary film reviews coming in the near future!

(even I was annoyed by that sentence...)

I'm moving to Canada.

I love the U.S.A.  No lie.  But ever since THIS travesty I feel I have no choice but to move to Canada.

This must be what it's like to have been a conscientious objector during Vietnam.

I guess Richard has reasons to doubt my patriotism, really.  Which he does strangely often.  This particular evening he was explaining to me that I don't support our troops.

When asked what he does to support our troops he explained that he is not raising his cat, Mileena, to follow Sharia Law.

I'm not sure he understands the spirit of the word "support".

Just to cut him off at the pass, he will point out to you things such as this and this, but these are just smoke and mirrors.  

I'm feeling ready to tighten the tourniquet and go on a documentary film bender.  I'm totally torn about watching this Werner Herzog production Cave of Forgotten Dreams. On one hand, it looks wicked pissa.  But on the other hand Werner Herzog is the Quentin Tarantino of documentary films and his ego could fill an ocean. That gets in the way of my enjoying his stuff for some reason...

Important Life Lessons.

I know you sometimes wonder "where do I get those really nifty, light up, moving waterfall pictures with sound to hang on the wall of my trailer/mother's assisted living/dentist office/ironically-tacky studio apartment?"

Luckily you read my blog and I know the answer to this quandary.  That would be Dollar Bill's Discount World in beautiful Derry, NH.



Frankly, you're welcome.

Speaking of beautiful things in Derry.  Not only can I be found there several nights a week, my gorgeous black beauty, Cherry, can as well.

I know you're thinking that Derry sounds just about damn perfect now, but there's a few downsides.

There's the Derry Friendship Center, which I hate to put as a downside, but it is a bit hooligan-central out front.

And then today I was at Cumberland Farms (I think that's what it was?) and there was about 6 people in the store and I was the ONLY sober person not working there.  Legitimately, there was a man who dropped and smashed his 40 of King Cobra Premium Malt Liquor all over the floor, laughed about it for a while, then went to the back to retrieve another.  The woman behind him looked more than a little familiar with methamphetamine and there was a gaggle of trouble-making teens high on life or something.

Oh what the hell.  These are all upsides... Derry is a great place. 

Birth Control Me.

My life has been rather humorless lately.  I tried to drum up some humor on Sunday by going to the Museum of Natural History (Free to Massachusetts residents before 12pm on Sundays!), but I showed up to the door to find out my friends had a change of plans and were running late, so I didn't get a chance to see all my favorite stuffed animals.

We did bop over to East Coast Grill to have "make your own" Bloody Marys.  That made my stomach hurt.  I'm off cocktails for a while.

I then worked like a dog for a few days.

Have you seen this M.I.A. ginger-slaughter video?  Probably.  I feel late to that party.

At least I get to come home to this face:

I did get a chance to visit Mary a few days ago.  She was fullagrace.

Which actually lead me down a path of trying to figure out what "full of grace" really means. I got a bunch of Catholic websites that would be a nice read if you hated your eyes.

It also reminded me of Maria Full of Grace.  Good movie.  Depressing.  If you're ever just feeling TOO happy give it a whirl.

I'm going to wrap this up with an old family photo of a Tom Thumb wedding (this is actually a family photo from my collection).Which is just a creepy tradition any way you split it.  How about a Tom Thumb divorce hearing? While we're playing dress up and make-believe with the children let's go all in.  

True story, ya'll. True.

So, if you have a blog you may know, blogger has this feature where you can look at some stats.  This allows you to see how many page views you've had today, yesterday, the past week etc.  It also allows you to see things like what sites refer people to yours and what country they are viewing from.

More importantly it allows you to see what sort of search key words they used to get onto your site.

Today I log on to see this:

If you take a close look at that you will see that the things that drive strangers to read my blog are searches such as "bitches are too dramatic" and "laura linney porn".

I can die a happy woman.