Important Life Lessons.

I know you sometimes wonder "where do I get those really nifty, light up, moving waterfall pictures with sound to hang on the wall of my trailer/mother's assisted living/dentist office/ironically-tacky studio apartment?"

Luckily you read my blog and I know the answer to this quandary.  That would be Dollar Bill's Discount World in beautiful Derry, NH.



Frankly, you're welcome.

Speaking of beautiful things in Derry.  Not only can I be found there several nights a week, my gorgeous black beauty, Cherry, can as well.

I know you're thinking that Derry sounds just about damn perfect now, but there's a few downsides.

There's the Derry Friendship Center, which I hate to put as a downside, but it is a bit hooligan-central out front.

And then today I was at Cumberland Farms (I think that's what it was?) and there was about 6 people in the store and I was the ONLY sober person not working there.  Legitimately, there was a man who dropped and smashed his 40 of King Cobra Premium Malt Liquor all over the floor, laughed about it for a while, then went to the back to retrieve another.  The woman behind him looked more than a little familiar with methamphetamine and there was a gaggle of trouble-making teens high on life or something.

Oh what the hell.  These are all upsides... Derry is a great place. 

Birth Control Me.

My life has been rather humorless lately.  I tried to drum up some humor on Sunday by going to the Museum of Natural History (Free to Massachusetts residents before 12pm on Sundays!), but I showed up to the door to find out my friends had a change of plans and were running late, so I didn't get a chance to see all my favorite stuffed animals.

We did bop over to East Coast Grill to have "make your own" Bloody Marys.  That made my stomach hurt.  I'm off cocktails for a while.

I then worked like a dog for a few days.

Have you seen this M.I.A. ginger-slaughter video?  Probably.  I feel late to that party.

At least I get to come home to this face:

I did get a chance to visit Mary a few days ago.  She was fullagrace.

Which actually lead me down a path of trying to figure out what "full of grace" really means. I got a bunch of Catholic websites that would be a nice read if you hated your eyes.

It also reminded me of Maria Full of Grace.  Good movie.  Depressing.  If you're ever just feeling TOO happy give it a whirl.

I'm going to wrap this up with an old family photo of a Tom Thumb wedding (this is actually a family photo from my collection).Which is just a creepy tradition any way you split it.  How about a Tom Thumb divorce hearing? While we're playing dress up and make-believe with the children let's go all in.  

True story, ya'll. True.

So, if you have a blog you may know, blogger has this feature where you can look at some stats.  This allows you to see how many page views you've had today, yesterday, the past week etc.  It also allows you to see things like what sites refer people to yours and what country they are viewing from.

More importantly it allows you to see what sort of search key words they used to get onto your site.

Today I log on to see this:

If you take a close look at that you will see that the things that drive strangers to read my blog are searches such as "bitches are too dramatic" and "laura linney porn".

I can die a happy woman.

Black eyed peas.

I didn't eat my black eyed peas this year on January 1st.

The reasons for this are complicated and involve laziness, Blackstone, ginger bread and I just plain forgot.

Now I can't determined if I'm just completely fucked for all of 2012 or it I'll just lack SOME of my usual prosperity. I can't say I'm usually superstitious, but I usually eat my black eyed peas and have had pretty damn good luck up until this point.

Oh well, I already warned you... I'm dying young. Like a rock star.  I did eat some black eyed peas today. Hope that helps.  Maybe if I just eat them on the regular Oprah will decided to gift me half her fortune and I'll make it to the ripe old age of 101 and die peacefully in my sleep.

Anyway, I totally forgot to recap my social experimentation from 2010.  My new years resolution from 2010 was "be supportive".  Some of you may have noticed me running around like a dog trying to make it to people's special events, and picking up the phone when you called me at inappropriate times justincase you needed something. (I know it was a long time ago, but maybe you remember.)

I found out a few things that year about being supportive.  I stretched my support to not only family and friends, but acquaintances as well.  I think I got a few friends out of the deal.  I was also exhausted. I became too available.

Overall, I loved engaging in this social experiment.  I told no one that I was doing it.  I wanted to see how it would go and what the result of blindly being supportive of other human beings would be. We are social creatures. We want to love and be loved... well, mostly BE loved. I get a certain amount of joy in providing a positive, supportive face in someone's day.  If I had told people my plans the expectations would be different. They may believe I expected praise, or they may wonder why I didn't make it to their special day.

I can't tell you how my support effected others.  I never asked.

The results of my "be supportive" mantra had a mostly positive outcome for me. However, I did spread myself thin and was unable to fully devote my attention to some of the people in my life.

In 2011 I had no new years resolution.  I needed a break. I continued to do good things for my fellow humans though, and I think I have had a long term positive effect on myself from trying to be incredibly kind to others.  I hope you try it.  Even if you feel like shit sometimes just do nice things for people in your life. Do nice things for people you don't know. Show up and be a smiling face. It doesn't take much, really.

In 2012 I plan again to engage in some form of altruistic behavior.  I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm rocking this lately:

Please text me.

Here are a series of random texts I have gotten and sent over the past week (okay, I wrote this weeks ago) rearranged for my amusement to make a short play. (Names have been removed... to protect our jobs...)

I've entitled this work of art "Buy_Me_A_New_Phone_Please"

"Maybe an entire bottle of wine is not a good idea."
"Try roofies then. Makes more interesting"
"Why tell girls it's not going to happen?"
"I'm out on the town! We'll discuss that later. Don't get beat up."


"You want me to pick you up on the side of the road?"
"I only give out pity-handys. You'd probably find it unsatisfying.  They are inherently unsatisfying.  How can you not grocery shop?"
"Stupid examples. I Win. Showtime!"


"The sewer?"
"He fell in the sewer tunnel and was swept out to sea. A real shame..."

"Mama is hilarious. I come home last night and she says "who were you with?"... "A gentleman."... "does he have a job?"


"You shouldn't do that. If nothing else, it's like insulting my good taste."
"So if the day starts religiously, how will it end?"
"Sex, drinking... that's about it.'
"Oh, I just remembered, my date was legit quoting Bill Hicks word-for-word.  Hot."


"If I could send pictures from my phone I would send you like 10 pics of my kitten right now. She's so cute I could die. You're really missing out."
"At least someone saw some action last night. Good work!'
"I regret nothing!"


"Having clean, hot, running water available to us at all times really is an amazing thing that we should not take for granted."
"In his defense, he wanted to get off the phone when he realized he was making an ass of himself and I didn't let him."


"Well, I guess there's an end to the tour. Sitting on a slab."
"I might be too busy cracking Luis jokes. "You again ask her if she is in to feces. I no think she answer you true.""
"And where might one reassign their internal Chilean miner trying to sabotage them?"


"Is it time to make you look popular yet?"
"just one of my legion."


"Should I rent a rape van?"
"Think what you want, act how you are, don't tell me I'm not trying and we should be good."
"She says go for it! Next Tuesday!"


"it was meh. not bad but not good either. What time is John Waters/What are you up to?"
"oops! blinked my eyes and I have a date for tonight."
"Hmm that's a problem. And I don't think my date got my Bill Hicks reference. I'm disappointed."

"Buy_me_a_new_phone_please"
"200 dollars is a lot of money."

I don't think it's being too dramatic to say...

Pajama Jeans are the downfall of society.



If you were anywhere near a 5 mile radius from me when they first started advertising Snuggies  you will remember how to flipped my shit.



A. they invented some sort of made-up problem where people become trapped in their blankets and can't answer the phone.

B. that's just a bathrobe on backwards.  I am not that dumb.

C. if you have come to a point in your life where you feel the need to wear your bathrobe backwards, what you need is a reassessment of your priorities.

D. they recommend wearing it at sporting events and claim it's a great gift.  It's NOT a good idea to wear a backwards bathrobe anywhere if you have even a shred of dignity, and no one could realistically think that's a good gift.  That may be the worst gift... oh wait...someone invented pajama jeans!

When did it become a STRUGGLE to fit into regular jeans?! When did this happen?! What the fuck are they talking about?!

Is this like saying Doritos have "loud" flavor?

What I love most are the skinny ass bitches* on the Pajama Jean website.  Let's be real here. That is not the demographic they are shooting for.

*no offense to skinny ass bitches.

So, if you're getting your last minute x-mas shopping done at CVS just buy some scented hand cream and chocolates.  Stay away from the As Seen on TV section, please.

Goodnight, Irene.

Remember Sweet Summer Breeze Irene? I do.

I was enjoying a nice quiet weekend in the Berkshires while ya'll were putting boards over your windows and stocking up your bomb shelters.

I was literally out smelling flowers...

Now, I guess it's not fully your fault you became hysterical.  The weathermen in New England become bored and jealous of weathermen in Florida and other places with real hurricanes during the hurricane season.  They are at least partially to blame.

I tried to clear this up for several people.  I explained, calmly and rationally I might add, that we live in Massachusetts and don't get hurricanes.

This calmed people down for about a minute until they turned the news back on.

Just to reiterate- I was in fact out enjoying the beauty of nature while you were trying to calculate how far those canned goods would get your family before you'd have to eat someone.

Nature is fucking awesome.  Are you afraid of the dark as well?... Don't answer that.

Anyway, I slept in a tent and Richard and I went on a nature walk.

That photo should give you a good idea how THAT went.  I'd never heard someone squeal so loud when a fern touched them.  Ferns are beautiful, Richard, I'm sorry you couldn't learn to accept that.

None the less, he isn't the problem.  You are.  You and your ACCEPTANCE of whatever weathermen tell you. Seriously? Do you believe EVERYTHING you see on Fox News too?

And I don't even want to get your hatemail about how Sweet Summer Breeze Irene killed your grandmother by knocking out her power and shutting off her life-sustaining machines.  Don't even bother... 

Unless you live in Vermont.  What the fuck happened there, Vermont?  That shit was crazy.